I've watched a few episodes of "Ultimate Airport Dubai" recently, which in itself is actually a really boring proposition. It's basically a show about how an airport works. Nothing much beyond the drama of a couple of people missing a flight ever happens. However, I realised this morning at the airport that it had equipped me with an amazing talent - the ability to narrate and dramatise my whole journey through a departure.
This has significantly improved my airport experience. Suddenly being stuck in a check in line silently waiting your turn and wishing it would hurry up, has become *voiceover* "Simon and Fiona are attempting to check-in for their Virgin Australia flight to Los Angeles. They only have another 2.5 hours to make it to the gate for departure. Will they get there on time?". And a confusing attempt at humour by the customs guy becomes *voiceover* "Border protection officer Craig jokes with Simon and Fiona about their occupations. Unfortunately, it does not go well."
Lets make this Top tip #1:
When bored at the airport, narrate yourself through mundane tasks to anyone that will listen.
We had intended to get our hands on some duty free whisky for the wedding*, and were quickly spotted by one of the shop attendants and reeled in by her tractor beam. This went well. Turns out that at airports, like any whisky place, if you show the slightest interest and knowledge in the product, and drop a few words like "peat" and "single malt", followed by an angry comment about heathens that mix coke with it, youll be tasting the best stuff in no time.
* Whisky will likely not make it to the wedding, will instead form part of private collection.
Top tip #2:
Drink single malt scotch.
8 tastings and 4 litre bottles of scotch later, we went to the gate to wait for the plane. I immediately noticed an american talking to anyone that would listen whilst wearing his neck pillow. I tried to put this out of mny mind whilst continuing with ocassional narrations, which was starting to annoy fee a bit, right up until "Michael Jordan" was repeatedly being paged to get on his flight. Finally, some airport drama!
Top tip #3:
Don't wear your neck pillow in the terminal, ever.
...and #4:
If you're going to be late for a flight, don't have the name "Michael Jordan". Everyone will laugh.
Boarding was uneventful. We settled in, then were promptly told by the captain, in the most soothing voice he could muster, that there was a "gremlin in the computer", which he was getting an engineer to sort out. Not exactly a confidednce booster for any nervous flyers on board.
Top tip #5:
If you're the captain of a jumbo jet, speak with confidence and never refer to an issue with a Boeing 777 as a "gremlin".
Two hours and several gremlin-based announcements later, we were finally on our way. There were several boisterous claps from the rear of the aircraft. And I'm sorry, but...
Top tip #6:
Don't applaud airctaft takeoffs and landings. Its not 1904, the miracle of flight has been with us a while now.
OK, so problems aside, quick flight review time:
The service
Very friendly, even in the face of snobby, pointless questions from the lady that "brought all her own food" and yet still wants to know if the chicken will be served separately from the pasta, as she's not "doing the carbs thing".
The space
The 777 doesnt feel like it has as much room as an equivalent airbus. But its not bad. Can stetch legs out quite easily.
The entertainment
Very ordinary. The system works ok once you figure out that your fingernail is basically the only thing that will make the touch screen register, but the content library is small, and not that good. Couple of OK movies, that's it. Terrible shows. Season 10 ep 5 of "modern family" anyone?
The food
Good. Only complaint is that during dinner there was quite a lot of turbulence. Cmon Virgin Australia, why would you have turbulence right when dinner is being served?
Top tip #7:
Arrange for any turbulence to be outside of meal times.
EDIT: I have since learned that turbulence is a phenomenon caused by invisible pockets of air in the sky. It is NOT caused by airlines. I apologise to Virgin Australia and other Virgin subsidiaries for any damages caused.
On to LA!
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