Las Vegas...The city that never sleeps.

Vegas is up there with the most ridiculous places I've ever been (and I've been to Canberra, twice). It's a town that solely exists for the tourist trade. Theres no other possible reason for having a city in the middle of a windy, hot desert, full of strippers and casinos.

The good

The best things about Vegas in my opinion are:
1. The accommodation is cheap, and well appointed.
Our outrageous suite at the MGM was about $100/night and included such features as a toilet phone (that's a phone located near the toilet, not whatever you're thinking of), bathroom TV, jacuzzi, lounge, king bed and balcony with view of the strip.

2. There is something for everyone. Whatever you're into entertainment-wise you'll be able to find it. No, not that. I mean shows, rollercoasters, exhibitions, etc.

3. The 'scenery'
There are shiny things to look at everywhere you go. Casino foyers you walk into and go 'woooowww'. Neon lights of ludicrous proportion. Ladies wearing dresses that are at least 2 sizes to small, which you didn't look at because you're engaged and therefore busy keeping your eyes to yourself, but if they happen to walk right in front of your eyeballs well then it couldn't be helped.

4. Boyz II Men
Simply exquisite. If you get the chance, do see them.

The bad

1. The fake-ness.
Everything has that fake, tacky feel about it that can only come about in a place that is completely, unashamedly geared towards tourists. Worse still, American tourists.

2. Getting around
Be mindful of the distances in this city. That casino that looks like its 'just over there' from your balcony is probably a 15 minute cab ride away, which means walking there in the 47 degree heat (or 1240 degrees Fahrenheit) is out of the question.

BTW, taking a cab is another adventure in itself. Be ready for everyone from 'silent man' to 'overly aggressive New Yorker', to 'Grumpy compulsive whinger'.

3. Tipping
How the hell does tipping work? If anyone figures it out, please let me know. You're supposed to tip everyone from the guy that held the door open to the guy that smiled at you slightly when you walked out of that same door. I tipped some people that brought me food and parked my car. Job done.

4. Woo guys
You've heard of 'Woo girls' - its those chicks that are out without their partners for the first time in 8 months. Maybe it's a hens night, maybe a birthday, whatever. When in a large group, excited and with 1.5 drinks under their belts, they make this unimaginable high pitched noise like "woooooooo!".

Yeah well Vegas is full of the male equivalent. Groups of 3-6 dudes. They've got a few drinks in them, they are in Vegas for the first time, unsupervised, and feel the need to go " woooooooo!" and give sloppy, uncoordinated high 5's all round every time one of them wins a $5 blackjack hand.

5. Being hassled on the strip
The minute you dare to walk outside a casino, be ready to be hassled by people trying to hand you the business cards of strippers and put you in a limo to take you to said strippers.

Top Tip: Fiona and I soon figured out that holding hands reduced the number of offers we received by about 50%. The other half presumably thought we were into some weird stuff.

Disneyland!!!!!

It's easy to see why Disneyland describes itself as 'The happiest place on earth'. It truly is the stuff that dreams are made of. Not mine specifically, but some people's.

When Fiona and I were first planning our trip to California and thinking of places we just had to visit, we both agreed that Disneyland was a place in California and that she really wanted to go there.

Today we fulfilled Fiona's childhood dream, and I have to admit that I too ended up being drawn in by the atmosphere.

We took lots of photos throughout the day. I'd like to share some of these with you that I think best document our visit to the happiest place on earth.

Me after arriving:

Me with a marching band:

Me before Splash Mountain:

Me before Space Mountain:

Me after Space Mountain:

Me in a teacup:

Me on the teacup ride:

Me without a churro:

Me with a churro:

Me on the carousel:

Fiona after Eeyore left and she couldn't get a photo:

Fiona and I on the railroad ride:

Me on Splash Mountain:

H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D

Hollywood is a place of contradictions. Definitely not all glitz and glamour. You see everything from homeless people to Ferrari's, and dodgy strip clubs just metres from expensive restaurants.

The first dose of reality came when we started walking the wrong way down Hollywood boulevard after getting off the metro. I was keen to find Tom Cruise's star on the walk of fame, but it quickly became obvious that we were more in the Tom Jones section.

Once headed the right way we had better luck. Stumbled across "Amoebia records", by far the biggest record/CD/DVD/Cassette/VHS/etc store I've ever seen.

We took a long walk down the strip and as a bonus witnessed a sherrif breaking up a fight between two women, one of which had apparently looked at the other's dog in a funny way (yes really). Fantastic. Just like watching COPS.

It was getting dark and we were thirsty. Fortunately we had passed a strip of bars earlier on that was a couple of blocks back from the main strip and had much less of a " tourist trap" and more of a local feel.

I was initially drawn to the dodgy, noisy sports bar, but not having cider available was a deal breaker for Fee, and the beer was flat, so we moved on to a craft beer/burger joint. 

A few delicous beers and several conversations with locals later (one of whom straight up offered me weed), Fiona informed me that I was "being a pest" to people (I wasn't), and it was time to go home.

Sydney to LA with Virgin

I've watched a few episodes of "Ultimate Airport Dubai" recently, which in itself is actually a really boring proposition. It's basically a show about how an airport works. Nothing much beyond the drama of a couple of people missing a flight ever happens. However, I realised this morning at the airport that it had equipped me with an amazing talent - the ability to narrate and dramatise my whole journey through a departure.

This has significantly improved my airport experience. Suddenly being stuck in a check in line silently waiting your turn and wishing it would hurry up,  has become *voiceover* "Simon and Fiona are attempting to check-in for their Virgin Australia flight to Los Angeles. They only have another 2.5 hours to make it to the gate for departure. Will they get there on time?". And a confusing attempt at humour by the customs guy becomes *voiceover* "Border protection officer Craig jokes with Simon and Fiona about their occupations. Unfortunately, it does not go well."

Lets make this Top tip #1:
When bored at the airport, narrate yourself through mundane tasks to anyone that will listen.

We had intended to get our hands on some duty free whisky for the wedding*, and were quickly spotted by one of the shop attendants and reeled in by her tractor beam. This went well. Turns out that at airports, like any whisky place, if you show the slightest interest and knowledge in the product, and drop a few words like "peat" and "single malt", followed by an angry comment about heathens that mix coke with it, youll be tasting the best stuff in no time.

* Whisky will likely not make it to the wedding, will instead form part of private collection.

Top tip #2:
Drink single malt scotch.

8 tastings and 4 litre bottles of scotch later, we went to the gate to wait for the plane. I immediately noticed an american talking to anyone that would listen whilst wearing his neck pillow. I tried to put this out of mny mind whilst continuing with ocassional narrations, which was starting to annoy fee a bit, right up until "Michael Jordan" was repeatedly being paged to get on his flight. Finally, some airport drama!

Top tip #3:
Don't wear your neck pillow in the terminal, ever.

...and #4:
If you're going to be late for a flight, don't have the name "Michael Jordan". Everyone will laugh.

Boarding was uneventful. We settled in, then were promptly told by the captain, in the most soothing voice he could muster, that there was a "gremlin in the computer", which he was getting an engineer to sort out. Not exactly a confidednce booster for any nervous flyers on board.

Top tip #5:
If you're the captain of a jumbo jet, speak with confidence and never refer to an issue with a Boeing 777 as a "gremlin".

Two hours and several gremlin-based announcements later, we were finally on our way. There were several boisterous claps from the rear of the aircraft. And I'm sorry, but...

Top tip #6:
Don't applaud airctaft takeoffs and landings. Its not 1904, the miracle of flight has been with us a while now.

OK, so problems aside, quick flight review time:

The service
Very friendly, even in the face of snobby, pointless questions from the lady that "brought all her own food" and yet still wants to know if the chicken will be served separately from the pasta, as she's not "doing the carbs thing".

The space
The 777 doesnt feel like it has as much room as an equivalent airbus. But its not bad. Can stetch legs out quite easily.

The entertainment
Very ordinary. The system works ok once you figure out that your fingernail is basically the only thing that will make the touch screen register, but the content library is small, and not that good. Couple of OK movies, that's it. Terrible shows. Season 10 ep 5 of "modern family" anyone?

The food
Good. Only complaint is that during dinner there was quite a lot of turbulence. Cmon Virgin Australia, why would you have turbulence right when dinner is being served?

Top tip #7:
Arrange for any turbulence to be outside of meal times.

EDIT: I have since learned that turbulence is a phenomenon caused by invisible pockets of air in the sky. It is NOT caused by airlines. I apologise to Virgin Australia and other Virgin subsidiaries for any damages caused.

On to LA!